With Christmas approaching, I thought I’d share this story I wrote in 2018. I believe this is an example of ‘political satire’.

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Lapland Logistics – Operations Committee

Meeting Minutes

28 December 2018

I. Call to Order

D. Potter called to order the regular meeting of the Operations Committee at 11.00 on 28 December 2018 at Grotto Committee Room 2.

II. Roll Call

G. Celebron conducted a roll call. The following persons were present: N. Claus, M. Claus, G. Celebron, D. Potter, F. Stocking.

III. Approval of minutes from last meeting

G. Celebron read the minutes from the last meeting. The minutes were approved as read.

IV. Open Issues

a) Gaining access to accommodation without chimneys

This remains a problem, especially in high rise accommodation where opening windows or balconies are not always present. N. Claus reported that he had several unpleasant journeys through ventilation systems and the use of the miniaturisation ray at higher settings to get through the holes here meant frequent recharging, increasing pressure on the overall delivery time on 24/25 December.

b) Increasing population

There are now over 650 million children in the ‘Santa demographic’ of 5-9 who take priority in any operations. With the global population nearing 8 billion, the time has come to consider hiring another Operational Team, increasing the number to 9.

c) Air defences

A letter of thanks will again be sent to NORAD for not engaging our Americas Operation Team, despite their President claiming they were illegal immigrants from Honduras.

d) Drug Dealers and Users

Operational Teams reported a decreased overall presence of these on their run, especially among ‘Millennials’, although the United Kingdom area had an increased presence of drug manufacturing in private dwellings. The former is making accidental sightings of ‘Santas’ harder to explain away as hallucinations.

e) Naughty/Nice Calculations

The continuing difficulty of making determinations on this matter due to social media and the many items of unusual behaviour that can occur there was discussed in some depth. A new determination system was required for changing times and it was agreed that F. Stocking would form a committee of his fellow elves to determine the matter.

f) Mince Pies

It has been noted that vegan options for these were now available, but there was no obvious way to distinguish a vegan pie from a vegetarian or ‘meat’ pie. Ways to request people to identify the contents of their pies without exposing Lapland Logistics to excessive or adverse publicity will be discussed at the Publicity Committee.

g) Mr D. Trump of Washington DC

This gentleman again sent a strange group of requests in his letter, despite his Naughty/Nice score being one of the most negative seen since the death of A. Hitler of Berlin in 1945. We were unable to source ‘kompromat’ regarding a Mr R. Mueller, a Mrs N. Pelosi and a Ms S. Daniels. It was remarked in the Sourcing Committee that as the latter was a pornographic actress, there was no real kompromat that would be found.

h) Climate Change

The distinct lack of snow in Lapland this year was noted. This is something beyond the ability of the committee to deal with directly, but ways of covertly lobbying world leaders to act to mitigate the damage will continue to be discussed.

V. New business

a) Popular Christmas Toys

It was reported by N. Claus that his reindeer had to be restrained multiple times while in the United Kingdom from attacking toys that resembled carrots. The Aldi organisation will be contacted on this matter.

b) Brexit

1. Mr J. Rees-Mogg requested to be become Prime Minister, but his letter was missing the 47 counter-signatories required for sending to our Sourcing Committee. Various other requests were issued but deemed to be impossible as there are no such things as unicorns.

VI. Adjournment

D. Potter adjourned the meeting at 13.00.

Minutes submitted by:  G. Celebron

Minutes approved by:  D. Potter